The usual story goes something like this: Boy meets Girl. Boy meets Girl's parents. Boy and Girl live happily ever after.
But more often than you might realize, there's another step in the story, another character in the drama: Boy meets Girl, Boy leaves Current Girlfriend for Girl, Boy and Girl live happily ever after.
New research by the International Sexuality Description Project (ISDP) suggests that up to 20 percent of long term relationships start when one partner (or both) is dating, even married to, someone else. (Sixteen thousand people in 53 countries were polled for the study, which is based at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois, and designed to explore the relationship between personality and sexuality and sex differences in mating preferences.) Evolutionary psychologists call this "mate poaching."
Who poaches and why? What happens to relationships when it does? Are you likely to fall prey to a poacher -- or become one yourself?
According to ISDP lead researcher David P. Schmitt, PhD, a psychology professor at Bradley University, approximately 60 percent of U.S. men and 40 percent of women admit they've tried to lure someone else's squeeze into a short-term fling.
Poachers aren't a great bet. Relationships that are a result of poaching don't have a great long-term prognosis. "Poachers rate low on conscientiousness, kindness, and past fidelity -- which doesn't bode well for marriage," says Schmitt.
Your relationship may never seem "perfect."
The desire to stray -- to poach or be poached -- may come from a skewed perspective on your current relationship. "You want many things in life, and any partner can offer only some of them," says Aron. "Even if you're in a good relationship that offers you lots of X, if someone comes along who offers Y, you take the X for granted, and the Y starts to look really good." Start by focusing on the relationship you're in and the skills you bring to it. Is there a way to add more "Y" (spontaneity, for example) and make sure you appreciate the "X" (security, maybe? ) that you do have?
Relationship hopping may not offer instant happiness.
If your current relationship seems unsalvageable, simply trading in for the new one idling outside is likely not the answer.
Feeling unsettled? Look inside first.
Overall, when you're not happy, in a relationship, it's most important to evaluate not your partner, but yourself.
A little self control goes a long way.
If you don't go for this person now, you probably won't "miss the chance of a lifetime." Remember: patience is all the virtue that poaching is not. "He told me he'd be with me if it weren't for his girlfriend," says Rachel, 31, of Nick, a guy her age and also from D.C. Despite their attraction, the two survived some intense situations -- even driving cross-country to grad school together -- without incident. When his relationship finally ended and the two started dating, Rachel says, "I had this wonderful feeling that if he wasn't poachable when he was with her, then he wouldn't be poachable when he was with me. After all, I knew from experience."
full article @ http://women.msn.com/804963.armx
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